one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
