At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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