i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
