I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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