Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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