Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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