oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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