Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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