Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
