last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
