my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
