I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
