I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
