im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
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