He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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