My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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