There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
