If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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