just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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