capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
