i think my tv is drunk
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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