He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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