I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
