i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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