Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
