I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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