She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
