oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
