I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You are the jesus of drinking
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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