You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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