his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i think my cat just said my name.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Your penis caused this!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
