bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
