I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
