I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
