I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
