if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
