i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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