for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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