I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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