I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
