I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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