I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
