I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
