so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
