My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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