hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
