I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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