i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
