some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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