her vagine was all disorganized.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
