i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
